So I sat in a quiet room and I spilled my guts out. I told the Lord what He already knew.. I’m hurt, I’m sad, I’m angry and I don’t understand.
I am about to share a very honest moment.
This past season has been a super hard one for me physically, mentally and spiritually. We’ve felt like we walked through the fires of hell and back. We are starting to recover from what has happened.
This season I’ve prayed, Ive worshiped, I’ve read my word but I have not had intimacy in the secret place. Wait what?? How can that be? Simple you can doyour daily devotionals but have no devotion. You can read the word, declare it, preach it and yet not digest it, believe it or stand on its foundations. Sing the songs but never take time to understand what we are saying.
Here’s why....
I’ve honestly been avoiding being in the stillness and in the quiet. For months I’ve played worship music loudly, cleaned my house, done ministry things, gotten on the phone and talked to so many people to try to avoid the inevitable. I’ve prayed sure.. but I have not allowed myself to open up. I know that God sees all, hears all, knows all yet for some crazy reason we think if we “avoid” him things will just be swept under the rug. It’s not true, it’s not reality it is a lie, that if we keep feeding will keep us from the truth.
I’m hurt. The fact that the God of the universe that sees all, knows all, hears all, knew what I was going through and didn’t take me out hurt me. The fact that I lost a year and a half of my child’s memories, laughter, love hurt me. The fact that we had to lose everything and practically be homeless for a while hurt me. The fact that my dog was killed hurt me. To be honest I have not been able to mourn my dog. I get it some people will never understand because it was “just a dog” but to me he was a creature that taught me more about love than humans. So this whole time I’ve been doing my do’s but avoiding my pain.
I’ve been coping but not healing.
So I sat in a quiet room and I spilled my guts out. I told the Lord what He already knew.. I’m hurt, I’m sad, I’m angry and I don’t understand.
Why am I even sharing this? This is not to complain or tell a sob story it is our reality we cope but never heal. We avoid the one person who can truly understand. Many have lost intimacy with the father because of lack of honesty. Does the father already know? Yes! But we don’t sit and tell him because he doesn’t know we sit and release to open up and allow him to heal us.
I will never get that year back with my son but he’s healing my body to have many more years with him. I may not have my dog but as dumb as this may sound that dog left a legacy of love in me. Seriously guys he was the most loving, patient, craziest little dog I’ve ever met in my life and if I could be as half decent human as that dog was I could be great.
Interestingly enough the verb of cope means to cover. I encourage you if you’ve lost your fire, your desire to seek God’s face it could very well be that you’ve been hurt and never dealt with the pain. I find that even in the natural when a married couple doesn’t deal with pain as small as it could be it puts a wedge in intimacy specially when not dealt with. One small cut turns into an infection.
In the stillness, in the quiet we find him and when we find him we find truth, healing and rest for our weary souls. He can handle your pain, your truth and your emotions but sometimes we can’t handle them ourselves. Let him have your all. Even when it hurts so bad that avoiding seems best He can handle it.